My Book Launch Speech
Nicola sitting on stage reading from her book Life’s Poetry
On 26th April 2007 my beloved mum died and my whole world turned on its axis. This is the moment when grief became my life. When someone we love dies everything changes, we change, our lives change. We are disorientated without this person no longer here. Our physiology changes too - we can’t sleep, we can’t think, we’re restless - as we search for the person who has always been here. There’s a line from the poem called Adrift by Mark Nepo - The breeze makes the birds move from branch to branch as this ache makes me look for those I’ve lost in the next room, in the next song, in the laugh of the next stranger. Who are we without this person? What are our lives to become without this person. In those early days and moments we don’t know. We are disorientated.
In the days following her death I felt like I was going crazy, I thought I was doing something wrong. I now realise that I was doing everything right, I was grieving for the person who meant the most to me in the world. I was grieving for someone I deeply loved and grief will always be the most appropriate response to losing someone you love. There’s a film called Come See me in The Good Light which is all about Andrea Gibson, my favourite poet - the film depicts their journey of ovarian cancer and their relationship with their wife Megan Falley. Andrea is dying from ovarian cancer. There's a moment in the film where Megan says to Andrea “why are you crying, is it ‘cause of love?” And I wonder if all our tears are always because of love. All our grief is because of love.
In this state of loss and confusion, I searched high and low for something to guide the way. Something or somewhere I could rest this pain. There were no books on grief, there were no instagram accounts, no istagram (!) and no-one spoke of what it was for someone you love to die, it was hidden deeply in the shadows. I was lost at sea without a boat. No-one knew what to do, how to hold it or how to speak. That’s the thing with grief it can be lonely.
Recently I heard Anderson Cooper, the CNN anchor talk about all the books that exist. He said “and there are so many self published books.” I’m not sure how he meant this, but it sounded like there was so much out there, perhaps too much. I’m glad. Not only that people can find and choose the books they need to support them but also because it matters. Part of what it is to be with our grief is to tell our stories. It says this is what happened to me and it matters, I matter, they matter, we matter. We have to tell our stories, and our stories need to be heard. You know that moment when someone really hears you, when that person is able to sit with you when you’re torn apart. Perhaps then we won’t feel so alone, perhaps then we can start weaving together the threads and restore the fabric of our being.
If you had told me in those early days that I would be standing here speaking to you all tonight, with my book in my hand, I would never have believed you.
There’s another beautiful moment in Come See Me in the Good Light where Andrea is speaking about their death and they’re talking about their friends they say - “My death in many ways would make them more of who they are.” I love Andrea - the way they talk about life and death with such humanness, such eloquence.
This is what it has been for me. Through my mum’s death I have become more of who I am. Life’s Poetry is part of this. Grief is now so much part of who I am in the most beautiful way. It’s my work, it’s with me every day, it’s in the words I write and speak, and it’s with every human being I get to sit with. It’s one of the greatest privileges of my life.
I miss my mum every day. There’s a giant hole where she once existed. When my children have their birthdays, when we sit around the table at Christmas, or when we have a BBQ in the summer. When I hear a song she loved. When I’m going through something difficult and I want to share it with her. When I’m going through something beautiful and I want to share it with her. When I write a book - the irony of writing a book about her and what it is to lose her, and what it would be if she was here with us tonight. How the two perhaps could never coincide.
Her death has reshaped me. In her death she has bought me closer to life. She’s bought me to the work of grief, she’s bought me to Life’s Poetry and what it is to be human in this world. To be human is to live, is to love, is to die and grieve. And oh my it’s bloody hard, excruciating at times. And it’s deeply beautiful too.
I’m going to bring in another poet - it is Life’s Poetry of course! adrienne maree brown has a spell for grief and letting go and in this she says - “that the ones you grieve may be grieving you”. I love the thought of this, that she may be she’s missing me just as much as I’m missing her. There’s another line “that the broken heart can cover more territory” - I believe this with my whole heart, this is what my grief has shown me. That we can love harder, love fiercer, notice life that little bit more.
I also believe that grief can show us the way. Grief exists in many ways beyond the death of a loved one. It’s in all our relationships, the broken ones, those with who we love, the ones we forge with the earth, and with strangers that live in countries across the world.
It’s in the big moments and the small moments. The little losses and the big losses. It’s both personal and collective. Who here isn’t grieving in some way or another? Don’t be fooled into thinking we can only grieve when death comes knocking.
You may think it strange, an invitation to grieve. I don’t. I believe grief is the thing that can bring us together, because grief requires an open heart, it requires a vulnerability and a risk - and that can only bring us together.
I cannot speak about grief and not speak to what’s happening in our world today. The grief we’re experiencing in our world is palpable, for many more discriminately than others. We are surrounded by death and destruction. We are witnessing the atrocities that are carried out by other human beings. Martin Prechtel says “all war is unmetabolised grief.” There is much that needs tending too, and we can only do that with an open heart, perhaps we can only do this with a broken heart.
I believe that grief brings us closer to life, it brings us closer to what really matters, it allows us to open up to another human being, no matter. Our grief strips us of everything so we may be laid bare, one human being to another.
And so I’ll finish with a passage from my book:
Where once grief was overwhelming, where it had me in its grip, now it's love that exists in a way it didn’t before. The love for my mother, the love for me in my blessed grief. The love that grief creates is something distinctive. It’s not the love of fairy tales. It’s not a love that is romanticised. It is a love of great depth, an epic, alive love that encapsulates all of life. This love loves our shame. This love remains when we have caused harm. This love holds us accountable in the most tender of ways. This love allows us to stay in relationship when conflict arises. This love cares about every human on this planet, it cares about the earth and the animals. It loves the more-than-human world just as much as the human world. This love trusts and knows that grief will show us the way. This love has capacity for our grief, for our rage, for our anger, for our tears. This love loves you even when you get it wrong, and you will get it wrong, dear one. This love can hold us in a way we’ve always longed to be held. This love stays. This love, this love you may never have experienced before, but when you do, you will breathe a sigh of relief and you will know that it is holy.
Now I have something to ask of you all. I’ve chosen to self publish this book, it’s just how it came to be. This means it takes a little more to get it out into the world. Please share it far and wide - tell people about it, gift it to friends, share your favourite quotes on social media, drop a review in. Let’s build momentum and keep Life’s Poetry alive together. Thank you. Oh and if you know any extremely influential people, with good hearts and souls, please do give them a copy!
I’m going to end with saying thank you to my mum, my brilliant and beloved mum. I wonder what you'd make of all this. I’m here today because of you, I’m who I am because of you. I miss you every single day. I want to talk to you, pick up the phone to you, laugh with you. I want you to know my husband and my children, your grandchildren. You wrote this book with me, this is for you mum. Thank you.
